“Waiting there, a dawn before a darkness fell
I’m lost, but not alone
And all my words have turned to stone again
Take me with you when you carry me away
And I will throw all of these words I have to say”
“Heart In Two” – Reuben and the Dark

This time of year is uncomfortable, and for reasons I don’t fully understand. I’m in a strange place in life and it seems that the only thing that seems to help me sort out the strangeness is putting it out into the world and out of my head.  So here we go again.

The holidays create a pressure I’m not comfortable with; I literally feel like I’m going to explode. They rattle around and wake up the monsters under my bed I had banished long ago, and for some reason, they seem hell-bent on  making me relive every moment of my life I would rather forget. Every year I am forced to re-examine it all and I just flat out don’t like it. My theory is that its just going to keep happening until I have learned what I am supposed to from it and I obviously haven’t been a good student.

Every day seems to contain a “Hey, remember THIS??” moment. Yes, monster under my bed…I remember. But that answer isn’t good enough. “Yes, but do you remember how it made you FEEL??” says the monster….and that right there is the part I dread the most. Most of the time, I NEVER want to feel that way again.

I NEVER want to feel ashamed and afraid to say someone is hurting me, and instead believe I must have done something to deserve it. I NEVER want to sit in a room, listening to someone tell me that someone I love is never coming home. I NEVER again want to become something I’m not, simply because it’s what society expects of me. I NEVER want to doubt my value just because my opinion differs. I NEVER want to hear my phone ring at 1:06 am. I NEVER want to hold a warm hand, and kiss a warm face, knowing that an hour from now it will be as cold as ice.

But there are some things I WANT to feel again and I’m afraid that I never will. Some days it feels like I’m just too broken. That the things I NEVER want are just going to keep reminding me of what I will NEVER have.

And then I wake up to sunlight streaming through a window and I hear the coo of two doves calling to each other. I hear the ding of a text message that is there simply to remind me I am loved. I go to work and find a card of appreciation on my desk…just because. I see a father sweep his laughing child into his arms as she runs to him. I look in the mirror and see my four leaf clover on my arm, put there to remind me of how very, very lucky I really am.

On the days where it feels like my heart has been broken in a million pieces, I remind myself that I did it on purpose. That if I kept all the pieces for myself, I would never feel as loved by others as I do. And I do. I really do. And even though I may never get them back, I will NEVER regret giving those pieces of my heart away.

“And I broke my heart in two
One for me and one for you”