“the past is our knowledge, the present our mistake and the future we always leave too late”

My Ever Changing Moods – The Style Council

 

Oh the past. I’ve lived in it for extended periods of time, tried to outrun it and tried to leave it behind me.

I’ve come to accept parts of it, wish deeply to relive some of it, and revel in the memory of my favorite bits of it.

It’s been my best friend and my fiercest enemy. It’s been a lover I can’t forget and a mistake I can’t fix.

It’s made me who I am and forces me to look closely at who I want to be.

But it’s grip is tight and I’m having a hard time letting it go. It’s comfortable for me; it’s what I know.

But the present keeps calling my name.

Every. Single. Day.

Everytime I turn around it’s in my face, daring me to look it in the eye and calling me out when I won’t.

I don’t really like the present. It’s full of changes I’m not happy about and it’s pressing me to make decisions and choices that I don’t want to make. It breaks my heart every day and never ever apologizes. The present is uncomfortable and the players are changing all the time, but the future?

The future is fucking terrifying. And so fucking exciting at the same time.

I don’t know if the people in my life will stay, and I don’t know what I can depend on. I don’t trust the future like I do the past. The future seems lonely and that makes me sad.

I have the freedom to make it whatever I want it to be, but I’m not sure what that is.

Thanks to the past, I know what I DON’T want, but I feel aimless; like I’m wandering looking for a path to somewhere that doesn’t really exist.

The uncertainty is what frightens me most, but it also happens to be the very thing that will help me find exactly what I don’t know I’m looking for.

So I’m going to give myself the same advice I recently gave a friend…

Today, tonight, tomorrow, I have the opportunity to NOT repeat the past, to appreciate the present for what it offers me at this very moment and to look at the future as an opportunity to build the life and find the love I deserve.

Will I take my own advice? (Just a hint: I rarely do)

I don’t know.

I’m still going to struggle with the present, still wish I could go back in time, and still look warily through squinted eyes at the future but I’m going to try.

I’m going to try like hell. I’ll let you know what happens sometime in the not-so-distant future.

“Bitter turns to sugar, some call a passive tune, but the day things turn sweet for me won’t be too soon”