Terms & Conditions

“Seems like everybody’s got a price
I wonder how they sleep at night
When the sale comes first
And the truth comes second
Just stop for a minute and smile”
“Price Tag” – Jessie J

I’m seeing small print everywhere. And it seems I forget to read it. All those Terms & Conditions, I am finding, really do apply. As usual, I’m just jumping in head first and hoping like hell I won’t hit a rock and won’t have to actually take advantage of the defective goods return policy. I should have read the fine print.

Everything, including relationships, comes with a caveat, a downside, a price. Why the fuck can’t things just be straightforward? Why can’t we just eliminate the fine print and take things as they are? Because the fine print doesn’t come from us. Those Terms & Conditions come from those connected to us and serve a purpose. We really should read them.

This person lacks the ability to be forthright and honest. Any relationship developed with said person may be subject to a complete lack of communication. Misinterpretation of actions and words may occur. Your feelings may be hurt. Proceed at your own risk.

Whatever this person says to you is complete bullshit. Believing a single word of it may cause short lived euphoria followed by a rapid plummeting of self-respect. This product is sold as is. The buyer is responsible for any damages that may occur. No returns, store-credit only.

Ahhhhh…I know. I’ve always known. And I fucking fall for it every time. Why? Because the eternal optimist in me believes that one of these times, it will be different. That one of these times, there will be no small print. Someone will just be what they claim to be. And yet, they never are.

That said, I wonder what my fine print says? Because like I said, it doesn’t come from us. Our Terms & Conditions come from the experience of others and what they would have to say about us. I’m very interested to know what mine says. It might help me the next time around, knowing what my downside is, what the price of being connected to me might be.

And even though I don’t know the details, there are a few things I have noticed:

  • I must have a pretty lenient return policy. You don’t even need a reason. Damaged items accepted. Apparently, you don’t even have to return me! Just leave me where I am and walk away.
  • It appears I am easily refurbished and sold as new every time.
  • My heart is the part most often broken, but it’s pretty fucking hard to do. See the return policy above.
  • I come complete with a pair of rose-colored glasses.

I wonder what else there is. I really do. I would love for someone to actually give a reason for return, other than “I just didn’t like it” or better yet, something other than silence.

I would love to write my own Terms & Conditions. I think they would go something like this:

Product is as shown. Continued use may cause happiness, spontaneous smiling and may result in love. Do not use product if you are prone to sudden outbursts of anger, don’t answer text messages for days, can’t say the words “I’m sorry”, have a difficult relationship with the truth or do not have a sense of humor. If product is damaged during use, you are encouraged to try and fix it. Returns are discouraged but not prohibited. Try to use product for at least 30 days for best results. If you must return product, original packaging is required. You may keep a small piece of her heart, but rose-colored glasses must be returned with product.

“Well keep the price tag
And take the cash back
Just give me six strings
And a half stack”